I was 20 years old when my fiance and I made the very irresponsible and in-the-moment decision to “go for it” and make a baby. What the heck right? What could possibly be so hard about raising a child? We were in love and by that I mean for real (7 years with this man and he still has my heart and will hold it forever).
Well God sure does have a plan and we soon realized what His plan was for us. This pregnancy wasn’t easy. Complication after complication. The horrible morning sickness (afternoon & night) was the very least of my worries. At 18 weeks along I started to swell up. I figured, this is normal, everyone swells a little right? After seeing my OBGYN and being assured that everything was coming along normally, I relaxed and TRIED to enjoy the rest of this pregnancy. (All I can think right now is how remarkable God’s timing is..)
After being assured that the swelling wasn’t as bad as it looked, I was admitted to the hospital (21 weeks now) because I was having trouble breathing and was hearing/feeling a gurgling sound as my chest inflated and deflated with each breath I took. I was so scared for my baby (girl) and what this would mean for us. I stayed there in that hospital bed for a week enduring test after test trying to figure out what it was that was wrong with me. Until finally, I was diagnosed with Pulmonary Edema and Preeclampsia. None of which I knew anything about. For those of you who don’t have a clue what I am talking about here’s some info on each diagnosis.( Pulmonary Edema/Preeclampsia )
The fluid was getting greater and started to reach my heart so I was sent up to the ICU where they could monitor my baby and I closely. I was terrified. All I could think about was what’s going to happen to my baby? Will this amount of stress affect her? Will I make it to term?? I spent Easter away from my family and friends because I was too sick to leave the hospital. Every day it seemed they had different news about my condition. I remember one morning getting a blood transfusion. Not where they took my blood and gave me more, but only where they gave me more. After that was over the nurse on call forgot to clamp my IV and all of that blood I was just given, puddled around her shoes. WOW. Crazy, huh? My fiance was furious! At this point all I wanted was to be home with my family as if none of this ever happened to me.
A few nights after Easter in the ICU I started getting contractions. Real ones. I couldn’t handle this. My doctor calls me on the ICU telephone and informs me that I am in labor and my baby will not make it. Can you imagine? BUT that’s not the end. The contractions eased and after a couple “good” days I was sent back to the Woman’s floor. I was ecstatic. My baby made it and we were going to be okay. I was sent home to remain on bed-rest and to ONLY get out of bed for a shower and bathroom use. So that’s what I did.
Well, not 2 days later I’m laying in my bed and I start to feel some pain in my lower abdomen. Freaked out I call one of my closest friends to get some insight on what the pain could be. She insisted I should call my fiance and have him take me to the emergency just-in-case. As I’m on the phone with him sobbing (more from fear than any pain I was feeling) I bend down to reach my shoes and my water breaks. I’m home alone. My water breaks. I’m in pain. Hysterical now. I charge out of the house and look for anyone willing to help me. As soon as my water broke I began to bleed and feel the most intense pain I have ever to this day, felt in my life! A man and his son were walking by our house and stopped to help the crazed, hysterical woman sitting in her driveway. All I kept saying to them through my sobs was that I’m pregnant and I’m having contractions. “I’m 22 weeks pregnant and my water broke! Please help me! Please get Tyler!!”. After what seemed like minutes (but were merely seconds) my fiance pops in the driveway and carries me to the car. Forgetting to thank the kind gentlemen for stopping for me. (Neighbors were later thanked)
Were whipping through cars and going as fast as we can without causing some kind of accident. I began vomiting. All over his pretty, clean carpet. I was holding on to the roll cage (Jeep thing) for dear life trying not to pass out from the blood in my pants and seat and the pain coming from my abdomen and genital region. We finally arrive at the hospital and Ty has no choice but to go in and find a chair for me leaving me on the bench outside the emergency doors. I sat on that bench and screamed my lungs out, watching as blood started to drip into a small puddle underneath my seat. I was in a state I never ever wanted to relive, but I do. (I’m reliving it right now, in this moment.) I watched as nurses, doctors and patients walked by not saying a word as I sat on that bench feeling like the loneliest person in the universe. What is wrong with these people I remember thinking. Don’t you hear my screams? Don’t you see the blood coming out of me!? HELP ME! I wanted to scream at them, but I was a little preoccupied at the moment. After asking the desk employee for a wheel chair and being told there were none, my fiance, Tyler had to search the hospital on his own. He finally found one and wheeled me in. That shocked the hell out of everyone. Oh? This is the woman needing a chair, why didn’t you say so? HA!
They wheeled me onto the elevator and all I remember is hearing someone say “She’s crowning” What did you just say? My baby girl was making her entrance into the world. Too soon.
They got me in a room immediately and put me on the hospital bed and checked our girls heartbeat, hearing the sweet pat pat made me soar and smile and they then told me to push! Breathe and push as hard as I could. I did. All of a sudden she was out and they were covering her body and taking her away. I thought where are you taking her? Why aren’t you looking at her? What’s wrong? I asked. I knew. I looked at my Tyler and I knew he knew it too. She was gone. Our baby was gone. Just like that. We stared at each other and I’ll never forget the look of defeat on his face. We stared and all I could do was scream. Earth shattering screams. PLEASE DON’T TAKE MY BABY! Help her! They did nothing.
A piece of my heart broke that day in that bed. A very delicate part of me that I will never get back. A part that will never fully mend. A part of Tyler broke that day too. He doesn’t talk about it much, but I know it affected him just as much as it affected me.
There isn’t a day I don’t think about my sweet Madison. There’s not a day I don’t wish she were here. After the loss of Madison I threw my anger at God. I hated Him for what He did to me. What He took from me. It took me a very long time (almost 4 years in fact) to get back to my faith and realize that God always has a plan whether we like it or not. Maddie spends her life in Heaven with our Holy Father spreading her angel wings for all of Heaven to see.
I love my baby girl. You will not be forgotten. Rest In Paradise Madison Jordan Underwood ❤
*This was a very short version of what I went through and very very tough for me to write. Thank you for reading & God bless!